Growing in Love: A Christian's Guide to Deepening Relationships
The Biblical Foundation for Growing in Love
How to grow in love as a Christian begins with understanding that love is central to our faith. According to a 2021 Barna Group study, 66% of practicing Christians say that loving others is the most important evidence of spiritual growth.
If you're looking for practical ways to grow in love as a Christian, here are five essential steps:
- Accept God's love first - You can only give what you've received (1 John 4:19)
- Abide in Christ through regular Bible study and prayer
- Walk in the Spirit by crucifying selfish desires
- Serve others with practical acts of kindness
- Engage in Christian community for accountability and growth
Love isn't just a feeling or emotion for Christians—it's the distinguishing mark of discipleship. Jesus himself said, "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35). Yet many believers struggle with how to truly grow in this essential quality.
As Paul prayed in Philippians 1:9, "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight." This prayer reveals something profound—love should not only exist in our hearts but should continually "abound more and more" in both width (loving more people) and depth (loving more deeply).
True Christian love isn't static; it overflows. Like pouring soda into a glass too quickly, genuine love bubbles over the edges of our lives and impacts everyone around us. But how do we cultivate this overflowing love?
The journey begins not with our own efforts but with experiencing God's unconditional love for us. As one Christian author noted, "I've spent months trying to grow in love and realized that focusing on love is the wrong approach. I can't love properly on my own; only Jesus living in me can produce true love."
For those struggling with past hurt or finding it difficult to love others, Christian coaching can provide personalized guidance to help you break through barriers and experience the freedom of Christ's love flowing through you.
What Does It Mean to Grow in Love?
Growing in love as a Christian means developing the capacity to love others with the same selfless, sacrificial love that Christ demonstrated. It's not merely about warm feelings or romantic notions, but about a deliberate choice to value others and act in their best interest.
The Bible provides the definitive description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
This kind of love isn't natural to us—it's supernatural. As 1 John 4:7-8 tells us, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."
Growing in love means expanding in two dimensions:
- Width: Loving more people, including those difficult to love
- Depth: Loving more deeply, with greater sacrifice and commitment
A 2018 study published in the Journal of Psychology and Theology found that Christians who regularly participate in small groups or fellowship are 40% more likely to report growth in their ability to love others sacrificially. This highlights the importance of community in our love journey.
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Love as the Defining Mark of a Disciple
Jesus made it crystal clear in John 13:35 that love would be the primary identifier of His followers: "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Not by theological knowledge, not by religious activities, not even by spiritual gifts—but by love.
This distinguishing mark sets Christians apart in a world often characterized by self-interest and division. When we truly love as Christ loved, we stand out in stark contrast to cultural norms. Our identity in Christ is revealed most clearly not through what we say but through how we love.
As one theologian noted, "Do people know that we are Jesus's disciples by the way we love one another? More importantly, do people know that I am Jesus's disciple by the way I love others?" This reframing from collective to personal responsibility is crucial for growth.
God's Love: The Starting Point
The foundation for all Christian love is God's prior love for us. As 1 John 4:19 succinctly puts it, "We love because he first loved us." Our capacity to love others flows directly from how we have been loved by God.
The cross stands as the ultimate demonstration of this love. Romans 5:8 reminds us that "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This sacrificial love forms the pattern for our own.
Romans 8:38-39 assures us that nothing "will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." This unconditional, unwavering love provides the security from which we can love others without fear.
When we struggle to love others, the problem is often that we haven't fully received and experienced God's love for us. As we grow in our understanding and acceptance of how deeply we are loved by God, our capacity to love others naturally increases.
How to Grow in Love as a Christian
Growing in love isn't something that just happens naturally—it requires both intentional practices and God's help. A 2019 Pew Research study found that 77% of Christians believe Bible reading and prayer are essential for growing in love and faith. But how do we turn these spiritual disciplines into real-life love?
Step 1 – Accept God's Love: Foundation for How to Grow in Love as a Christian
The journey of how to grow in love as a Christian begins with a simple truth: you can't give what you haven't received. Before you can truly love others, you need to experience God's love for you at a heart level, not just intellectually.
Take time each day for gospel meditation—quiet moments reflecting on what Christ has done for you. As you sit with the reality of the cross, invite the Holy Spirit to make God's love tangible in your heart. It's fascinating that a 2022 American Bible Society survey found that 62% of Christians who read Scripture at least four times weekly report feeling more loving and patient toward others.
Try starting a gratitude practice, jotting down specific ways God has shown His love to you each day. This simple habit shifts your focus from what's lacking to God's goodness.
When you feel empty or struggling to love difficult people, make a mental visit to the cross. As one pastor shared with me, "Whenever I'm running low on love, I close my eyes and picture myself at Calvary. It's impossible to stand there and not feel loved—and that fills my tank to love others."
Jude 21 encourages us to "keep yourselves in God's love"—suggesting we play an active role in maintaining our awareness of being loved by Him.
Step 2 – Abide in Christ Through Word & Prayer
Jesus used a powerful image in John 15:5: "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." Love is the natural fruit that grows when we stay connected to Christ.
What does "abiding" look like practically? Colossians 3:16 gives us a clue: "Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly." This happens through consistent Bible engagement. Don't worry about quantity—even five minutes daily with Scripture is powerful if done consistently.
I love Paul's prayer in Philippians 1:9-11 as a model for our own prayers: "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight..." Try personalizing this prayer, asking specifically that your love would "abound more and more" each day.
A recent Lifeway Research survey revealed that 56% of churchgoers intentionally tried to show love to someone they disagreed with in the past year. This willingness to love across differences is a beautiful sign of spiritual growth.
Step 3 – Walk in the Spirit, Not the Flesh
Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." Notice that love comes first—it's the primary fruit of the Spirit's work in our lives.
Interestingly, in the original Greek, "fruit" is singular (karpos), suggesting all these qualities come as a package, with love as the foundation. The good news? We don't produce this fruit through straining and trying harder. It grows naturally as we "walk in step with the Spirit" (Galatians 5:25).
Walking in the Spirit means making daily choices to "crucify the flesh with its passions and desires" (Galatians 5:24). When you notice selfish motives bubbling up, pause and consciously choose the loving alternative instead.
Romans 8:5 encourages us to "set your minds on what the Spirit desires." This involves taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and intentionally focusing on things that are true, noble, right, and lovely (Philippians 4:8).
At Share The Struggle, our captive thoughts coaching model helps people identify thought patterns that block love and replace them with God's truth. This practical approach to Romans 12:2 ("be transformed by the renewing of your mind") has helped countless believers break through barriers to loving others.
Step 4 – Serve Others: Practical Outworking of How to Grow in Love as a Christian
Love that stays in our heads isn't biblical love. As 1 John 3:18 challenges us, "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."
Look for daily opportunities to serve others with small acts of kindness. It could be offering a genuine compliment to a coworker, preparing a meal for a busy neighbor, or simply giving someone your full attention when they speak. These seemingly small gestures can powerfully express love.
Humility is the secret ingredient in service. Philippians 2:3-4 puts it beautifully: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."
One Christian author describes this process as "un-selfing"—letting go of self-centeredness to accept agape love. I won't sugarcoat it—this often feels uncomfortable because it goes against our natural wiring. But the discomfort is where growth happens.
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Step 5 – Practice Community & Coaching
We simply weren't designed to grow in isolation. Hebrews 10:24-25 encourages us to "consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together."
Small groups provide the accountability and encouragement we all need. A 2018 study found that Christians in small groups were significantly more likely to report growth in love than those practicing faith individually. There's something powerful about sharing our struggles and victories with others on the same journey.
Confession and repentance in trusted relationships accelerate growth. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." When we admit our failures to love and receive grace from others, healing and growth naturally follow.
At Share The Struggle, we've seen how our captive thoughts coaching model provides structure for identifying and addressing obstacles to love. Our coaches are trained to help you recognize thought patterns that hinder love, apply biblical truth to transform your thinking, and develop practical strategies for loving difficult people.
Whether through weekly group sessions ($40/month) or one-on-one coaching (starting at $180/month), having a trained Christian coach can accelerate your growth in love by providing the accountability and encouragement we all need.
More info about Showing God's Love to Others
More info about How to Love Biblically
For more scientific research on the benefits of group discipleship, check out "Seek Him First: How to Hear from God, Walk in His Will, and Change Your World", which explores how community-based spiritual growth leads to deeper love.
Measuring and Recognizing Growth in Love
How do you know if you're actually growing in love? While love can be difficult to quantify, Scripture provides several indicators of growth.
1 Corinthians 13 offers a practical checklist: Are you becoming more patient? Kinder? Less envious? Less boastful? Less proud? More honoring of others? Less self-seeking? Less easily angered? More forgiving?
Personal testimony is another indicator—do others notice a difference in how you treat them? Has anyone commented on changes they've observed?
The following table contrasts immature and mature Christian love:
| Immature Love | Mature Love |
|---|---|
| Conditional | Unconditional |
| Self-focused | Others-focused |
| Easily offended | Quick to forgive |
| Expects reciprocation | Gives without expectation |
| Comfortable only | Willing to sacrifice |
| Limited to "lovable" people | Extends to enemies |
| Based on feelings | Based on choice |
| Sporadic | Consistent |
Five Evidences Your Love Is Growing
Increased desire to spend time with God - As you grow in love for God, you'll naturally want to spend more time in His presence through prayer, worship, and Scripture.
Growing dependence on God - Mature love recognizes its own limitations and increasingly relies on God's strength rather than self-effort.
Heightened desire to please God - Love naturally wants to bring joy to the beloved. Growing love for God manifests as greater desire to honor Him in all areas of life.
Evangelistic zeal - When you love someone, you want to tell others about them. Growing love for God produces a natural desire to share Him with others.
Joy in fellowship - Those who love God also love His family. Increasing desire for Christian fellowship indicates growing love.
One Christian leader notes, "Is your love for God growing to look more and more like this? How can you tell? What are the ways in which you are currently growing in your love for God?" These self-reflection questions help us gauge our growth.
Common Obstacles & How to Overcome Them
Let's be honest – growing in love isn't always easy, even for the most dedicated Christians. We all face barriers that can make loving others feel like climbing a mountain in flip-flops. If you've struggled to grow in this area, you're in good company.
The most common roadblocks I see in my work with believers include:
Selfishness often sneaks in without us noticing. That natural tendency to protect ourselves first can hijack even our best intentions to love others well.
Pride whispers that we deserve better treatment than we're getting, making it hard to serve others with a humble heart.
Past hurts create invisible walls around our hearts. When you've been wounded in relationships before, the idea of loving vulnerably again can feel terrifying.
Unforgiveness acts like emotional quicksand, keeping us stuck and unable to move forward in love. Those grudges we hold might feel justified, but they're actually hurting us more than anyone else.
Mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, or trauma can significantly impact our capacity to connect with others. These aren't spiritual failures – they're real challenges that deserve compassionate attention.
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Healing Past Wounds with God's Truth
When someone has hurt us deeply, it can feel like our heart has developed scar tissue – less sensitive and more protected. These past wounds don't just disappear because we want them to. They require intentional healing.
The journey toward healing begins with renewing your mind as Romans 12:2 describes. This isn't just positive thinking – it's about identifying specific lies you've believed because of your hurts. Maybe you've concluded that "Love always leads to pain" or "I can't trust anyone" or even "I'm not worthy of being loved." These beliefs act as invisible barriers to growing in love.
Taking thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) becomes a daily practice – almost like mental fitness training. You learn to notice when these negative thought patterns arise and challenge them with God's truth instead.
"I've seen remarkable change in people who commit to this process," shares one of our coaches. "When someone replaces 'I'll always be hurt if I love' with 'God will give me strength to love wisely,' their capacity for connection expands dramatically."
At Share The Struggle, our captive thoughts coaching model walks alongside you in this healing process. We've found that having someone help you identify and process these thought patterns makes a world of difference compared to trying to do it alone.
Battling Selfishness & Pride Daily
Let's be real – selfishness and pride don't usually announce themselves loudly. They sneak in disguised as "self-care" or "standing up for myself." But Philippians 2:3-5 offers a beautiful alternative: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."
How to grow in love as a Christian often comes down to developing small, daily habits of humility:
Start your day acknowledging your dependence on God. A simple prayer like "Lord, I need your help to love well today" sets the right tone.
Practice active listening without mentally preparing your response while the other person is still talking (I'm preaching to myself here!).
Look for opportunities to serve without anyone noticing or praising you. These secret acts of service are powerful pride-fighters.
Celebrate others' successes without comparing them to your own journey. Their win doesn't diminish your worth.
One of my favorite descriptions of this change comes from a client who said, "I used to approach relationships asking 'What can this person do for me?' Now I find myself naturally wondering 'How can I serve this person today?' That shift didn't happen overnight, but it changed everything."
If you're finding these obstacles particularly challenging, you don't have to face them alone. Our coaches at Share The Struggle specialize in helping Christians work through these exact issues, whether in affordable group settings ($40/month) or one-on-one coaching sessions that provide more personalized support. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is reach out for help in your journey of learning to love well.
Impact of Growing in Love on Relationships & Witness
Have you noticed how a stone dropped in water creates ripples that extend far beyond the initial splash? That's exactly what happens as we grow in love as Christians. The impact reaches well beyond our personal spiritual journey, changing our relationships and strengthening our witness to everyone around us.
When love flourishes in families, something beautiful happens. Conflicts that once seemed impossible begin to dissolve. Intimacy deepens. Forgiveness flows more freely. The research backs this up too—a 2020 survey revealed that couples who practice shared spiritual disciplines report significantly higher levels of marital satisfaction. When family members accept biblical love—marked by patience, kindness, and selflessness—the entire household atmosphere changes.
Church communities experience similar change. I love how Paul prayed for the Thessalonians: "May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else" (1 Thessalonians 3:12). When this prayer becomes reality in our congregations, we create vibrant, welcoming faith communities that draw people in rather than push them away.
How to grow in love as a Christian isn't just about personal development—it naturally spills over into community service. As our hearts expand with God's love, we become more attuned to the needs of others and more motivated to meet those needs. This might look like volunteering at a local shelter, mentoring a young person, or simply checking in on an elderly neighbor. These seemingly small acts create significant ripples in our neighborhoods, workplaces, and cities.
Perhaps most powerfully, growing in love gives our evangelism authentic credibility. Jesus couldn't have been clearer: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:34-35). Our genuine love for each other speaks volumes to a skeptical world—it's our most powerful evangelistic tool.
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Reflecting Christ to a Watching World
Jesus used two powerful metaphors for his followers: "You are the salt of the earth" and "You are the light of the world" (Matthew 5:13-14). Both salt and light influence everything they touch—salt preserves and flavors, while light dispels darkness and guides the way. As we grow in love, we more accurately reflect Christ to those watching our lives.
Matthew 5:14-16 paints a vivid picture: "You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
I think of this as the "overflow effect" of love. When we're filled with God's love, it naturally spills out and touches everyone around us. One Christian leader describes it beautifully: "Filling up with God's love energizes both our speech and our actions. Every moment is an opportunity to practice a gesture of love."
In our world of division, hatred, and self-interest, Christians who genuinely love stand out dramatically. This distinctive witness points people to Christ more effectively than any argument or presentation ever could. People may debate theology, but they can't argue with authentic love.
Many Christians find that working with a coach helps them identify and overcome specific barriers to loving others well. At Share The Struggle, our coaches are trained to help you recognize thought patterns that block love and replace them with God's truth. Whether through affordable group sessions at $40/month or one-on-one coaching starting at $180/month, this personalized support can accelerate your growth in love and expand your impact on others.
Frequently Asked Questions about Growing in Christian Love
How can I tell if I'm really growing in love?
Growing in love is a bit like watching grass grow – you rarely notice the daily changes, but over time, the change becomes unmistakable.
You might be growing in love if you find yourself reacting with patience when that difficult family member pushes your buttons again. Or perhaps you've noticed you're quicker to forgive the friend who disappointed you. These subtle shifts signal real growth.
Other indicators include finding genuine joy in serving others without needing recognition, feeling less resentment toward people who've hurt you, and developing a deeper concern for others' spiritual well-being. Consistent love that persists even when feelings fluctuate is a powerful sign of maturity.
Sometimes, the most encouraging feedback comes from others. When someone says, "You've changed," or "You seem different lately," pay attention – they might be noticing your growth before you do!
Interestingly, becoming more aware of your lack of love can actually indicate growth. As you draw closer to Christ, His perfect love highlights your imperfections, creating a beautiful dependence on Him rather than your own efforts.
What if my love isn't reciprocated?
Loving someone who doesn't love you back hurts – there's no way around that truth. Yet these painful situations offer unique opportunities to reflect Christ's love, which was often rejected. Romans 5:8 reminds us that Christ died for us "while we were still sinners" – before we ever loved Him back.
When facing unreciprocated love, God is your primary audience, not the other person. Your faithful love pleases Him regardless of the response it receives.
Continue loving without expectations, but also establish appropriate boundaries. True biblical love doesn't enable harmful behavior or subject you to abuse. Sometimes, loving well means setting limits.
During these challenging seasons, prayer becomes essential – both for yourself and for the person who doesn't reciprocate. Lean into your Christian community for support, and consider working with a coach who can help you process the complex emotions that arise.
As one person who worked with our coaches shared, "The hardest relationship in my life became my greatest teacher. Through coaching, I learned that unreciprocated love wasn't a failure but an opportunity to experience God's heart in a deeper way."
Can coaching help me love difficult people?
Absolutely! In fact, learning to love difficult people is one area where Christian coaching truly shines. At Share The Struggle, we've seen remarkable changes in this area through our captive thoughts coaching model.
Our approach helps you identify specific challenges in difficult relationships and uncover the thought patterns that may be hindering your ability to love well. We don't just offer platitudes like "just love them more" – we provide practical tools to apply biblical truth to transform your perspective.
One client shared: "I'd tried for years to love my critical mother-in-law. Through coaching, I realized I was believing the lie that her criticism defined my worth. Once I captured that thought and replaced it with God's truth about my identity, I found freedom to love her without the constant sting."
Our weekly group coaching sessions ($40/month) create a supportive community where you can learn alongside others facing similar challenges. For more personalized guidance, our one-on-one coaching options (starting at $180/month) offer in-depth support for particularly challenging relationships.
The beauty of coaching is that it combines biblical wisdom with practical application. We don't just tell you to love difficult people; we walk alongside you as you learn how, providing encouragement, accountability, and strategies custom to your specific situation.
Many clients report breakthrough experiences in relationships they previously thought hopeless after working with our coaches to apply biblical principles of love. Sometimes, the person who changes most isn't the difficult person – it's you, and that makes all the difference.
Conclusion
The journey of how to grow in love as a Christian isn't just another spiritual discipline—it's the heartbeat of authentic discipleship. Throughout this article, we've seen that true love begins at the foot of the cross, where we first experience God's overwhelming love for us. This foundation changes everything.
Growing in love isn't always a smooth path. Some days, you might feel your heart expanding with compassion and grace. Other days, those old patterns of selfishness and pride might rear their heads again. That's okay—growth is a process, not an event.
Think about how far you've already come. Perhaps you're more patient with that difficult family member. Maybe you're quicker to forgive that friend who disappointed you. These small victories matter enormously to God.
The beautiful thing about growing in love is how it creates ripple effects beyond your personal spiritual life. As your capacity to love expands, your family relationships deepen, your church community strengthens, and your witness to a watching world becomes more compelling. People notice authentic love—it stands out in our often self-centered culture.
If you're struggling in this journey, please know you're not alone. Many of us hit roadblocks in our ability to love—whether from past wounds, difficult relationships, or thought patterns that keep us stuck in fear rather than freedom.
At Share The Struggle, we've seen countless breakthroughs as people work with our coaches through the captive thoughts coaching model. One client shared: "I'd given up on ever being able to love my in-laws after years of hurt. Working with my coach helped me see how my own thought patterns were keeping me stuck in bitterness. I'm not saying it's perfect now, but there's healing happening I never thought possible."
Whether you join our weekly group sessions ($40/month) where you can learn alongside others facing similar challenges, or prefer the personalized approach of one-on-one coaching (starting at $180/month), we're here to walk alongside you with biblical guidance and practical support.
Remember Paul's beautiful prayer in 1 Thessalonians 3:12: "May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else." This isn't just a nice sentiment—it's a promise of what God wants to do in your life.
Your capacity to love can grow. Your heart can heal. And with each step forward, you reflect Christ more clearly to a world desperately in need of authentic love.
Ready to take your next step in growing in love? Learn more about our coaching services and find how we can support your journey toward Christlike love.
